only fools cry

I cant believe that I found my sister on facebook and actually sent her a message. I am looking for a kick in the teeth. I dont expect her to respond and I fear that I will end up being hurt from her. What is done is done all I can do now is leave it to god. Just as long as I don't hear from my brother. I wonder if my sister is still on the central coast. I remebered one of her friends that she has connected up with and she is looking more in her mid forties than my sister does. Anyhow more later.

Truth or consequence

I got a phone call from the doctor's office today asking me to attend an urgent consultation. I had a blood test done on saturday and the results were in. The last time the doc called me back was when I was diagnosed with diabetes 12 months ago. I  had been down last week really really ill from what I thought was a virus that had been going around. I had never been so sick in my life. As it turned out, my liver had flared up and the enzine readings were extremely high. I think these enzine readings are associated with such things as tumours, nodules etc, which could mean that I have a tumor of some description. Given that I have cirrohssis of the liver, there is a high possibility that one of the cirohssed nodules may have turned on me. It is easy to think that the cirrohsis relates to my drinking days, but it is not. I have been sober way too long to have it now. Even if I had some cirohsis when I put down the drink, it would have healed by now.
What happened to me back in 1990 when I gave birth to my son was I believe the contributing factor. The arrogance and ego of medical staff that they knew better, nearly cost me my life. The dam doctor had failed to recognise that my afterbirth had noot discharged and as a result i lost over three quarters of my entire blood supply. Poor ray was running around the hospital trying to get someone to take a look at me in which he was brushed off as a neurotic new father. On the third attempt he managed to get a doctor who was doing his morning rounds. The doctor had initially refused on the grounds that I was not his patient. Out of sheer frustration, ray grabbed this doctor by the scruff of the neck and demanded that he look at me. As the doctor stormed off in the direction of my room he muttered " I bet there is nothing wrong." When he entered my room he gasped in shock spun on his heel and went screaming down the corridor to raise the alarm.

To cut a long storu short I was taken to surgery where a curette was performed, but I also believe a blood transfusion was also done without my knowledge or consent. When I began looking into this I found that there were 6 units of blood next to my name. The file is not matching up to my son's birth certificate. My medicare file has been falsified and according to the hospital I was not transfused despite the fact that there was a problem with blood that was infected with the hep c virus at the time and it just so happened to be the same strand that I had. There is every indication that there many others that have been infected also. Might I add they had not implemented the testing of patients or blood despite the laws already having been put into place.

Whether or not this will ever be investigated I don't know. I at one point sent hundreds of letters out stating that the gosford hospital had infected me with the hep c virus through faulty blood products. I recieved a phone call from the then ceo john blackwell who said that we know it is you that is sending out the letter. he added "we may have to take action against you." I laughed at him and said "yeah you may have to." I explained the descrepencies that I have found with the hospital file and went for a round the table meeting with senior executives of the hospital. For some ungodly reason they think that I am a dumbass and that I will simply take their word on things. Yeah right, as if they are going to admit to anything.
I have testafied as senate enquiries, written to  politicians, and media to no avail. whether I will get any justice in this situation willyet to be seen. I couldn't have any more children, my health has been seriously undermined and it has affected my working capacity. It seems that I may have told the truth but I am suffering the consequences for having done this. I often say that being honest in a dishonest world is very hard. I can only speak my truth even if I can't change the circumstances or events. I can only pray that whatever is going on with the liver at present is nothing to worry about, it is in gods hands now.

Blessed with another day

One of the things that I found fascinating with catching up with old friends is what you learn about others. People who ahve gone through a divorce, had children, have grandchildren, succeeded in their careers or failed, or simply have passed away. I was quite surprise to hear that that narwee boys high is no longer and they have demolished it. I just can't imagine what it would look like. Riverwood anglican church opposite the Legions Club has also been demolished. I was christened there back in 1992. It was always something that I had wanted to do for myself. Glad and dad were practising atheists and given the volatile environment that I lived in at the time, you ran the risk of getting persecuted further for having any sense of faith. You could say the F*** word in our house but if you said the G** word look out.Often it resulted in you getting a backhand somewhere along the line. I wan't entitled to an opinion neither without ridicule. I had survived 22yrs or longer in shut down mode, but ironically when I drank it would all spew out. I became opinioniated to the extreme, obnoxious and agressive all things that were never expressed correctly and were bottled up within me. I suffered fro chronic lonliness back in those days.

I came to realise not that long ago that if what I had been experiencing growing up was that painful, then my siblings must have at some point experienced the same at some level. We all have different ways of dealing with things, but jamies was to scapegoat on me and so was glads. She blamed me once for the failure of her marriage, she always referred to me as fat which resulted in serious food issues later on. I also was always told that I was too dumb to do anything. When I first entered into uni to do my arts degree I found myself wondering what I was doing there. A friend of mine who was in my class had told me that the uni would not have accepted my enrolment unless they didn't think I could do it. This stopped me in my tracks as it was a contadiction to the old tapes in my head that had told me that I was not smart enough or good enough to do this. This programming came from my mother and brother who had their own inadquacies.

I remember an event that occured on my 9th birthday in which I had a birthday party. A party table had been set up inside because it had been raining all day. I had invited my friends from school including a girl Rhonda G. Everything was going smoothly until jamie turned up and began terrorising us all. Glad was in the kitchen and could hear what was transpiring and conveniently turned a blind eye. As jamie began to ridicule me in front of my guests, rhonda piped up and gave him a lip full. This resulted in jamie belting rhonda across the face and head. As she began to cry the room went quite and glad came running in and took her away to try and soothe her. I have never felt so humiliated in my life. My party was in ruins and I just wanted to find a hole and crawl into it. When I met up with rhonda at school the following monday, her mother had sent a message to glad saying that if jamie ever touched her daughter again she would have him charged with assault. Needless to say rhonda was never allowed back at my house again.

I am just relieved that jamie never had children because he would end up having them removed from community services. He already has a failed marriage behind him and no doubt this new girl will soon find out his true nature. I am convinced that jamie's thinking is defined as criminal in nature and he will no doubt one day find himself in jail for defrauding money somewhere along the line. It is my understanding that he owes people money and has never paid it back. For someone who was kicked out of home in the 80's by dad because he refused to get a job and go to work after he ran his business into the ground, it is amazing that he ended up with dad's house, money, investments, everything. The solicitor that represented both him and jenny when both dad and glad died, had taken the term criminal lawyer literally. Mr Tipple aka Mr Nipple, either way he is a prized boob, is just as dishonest as what jenny and jamie are. Who engages a criminal lawyer for a probate matter, you do the maths and then explain it to me. He arrived on my front door step to have me sign a document in relation to dad's estate, then knowing full well that I existed and that I had not been in formed of gad's death, he takes glad's estate and has it executed in the courts. Not only does it indicate what a complete prick Mr Nipple is but it also indicates that both jenny and jamie had given not one thought to cameron who is the one and only grandchild and any entitlements that he may have been entitled to. This was all about their greed and what pigs they really are.

thats me for now

A long road travelled

It has been absolutely wonderful to catch up with old school friends on facebook. 2 friends that I met up with, I last saw when they were 12yrs old. I am 46yrs now. They have children and grandchildren now and yet I still remember them as kids. I posted some old school photos that I have and they were thrilled to travel down memory lane with me. We spoke about the area in which we grew up in, the people we knew and what become of them I had located a discussion which asked people to detail what they did with their lives since leaving high school. One girl got on there and had mentioned how she had become a mother and housewife. Another got on there and announced how she had been in several commercials. These girls had attended this same high school as I did 20yrs after I did. Needless to say I went on to say that I had become a drunk, a wife, a mother, a poet, a writer, an artist, a business woman and a humanitarian since leaving school.

When I reflected on the school photos, there was a sense of sadness too as I recalled what was happening at home that I never ever told anyone. Daily I was being beaten from an inch of my life at the hands of my mother and brother. My sister Jenny was always a cold and stoic individual who had no ability to feel. Over the years as I have recovered from drinking and my upbringing, I have become acutely aware that my mother I suspect had a pill problem. She was always in good supply with serapax, valium, mogadons and numerous other sleeping tablets. I guess that is the benefit of having 2 doctors in Narwee.

I also became acutely aware that my brother, sister and mother were narcisisstic sociopath / psychopaths. I have discussed this many times in counselling. Their behaviour can only escalate and lead to serious consequences. In glad's (mother) case it wont matter because she died in 2008. What sort of siblings do not inform their sister that their mother is dead. While they both fleeced glad's estate as they did with dad's estate, I was left with nothing. They feel justified in some sick sense but they are not. Jenny never married or had children, because according to her she hates kids. Need I say anything else. This is a brutal line of thinking and it is distorting her life. I believe that it is not children that she hates but her childhood. Nothing was ever done fairly as glad favouritise Jamie. Dad may have been an alcoholic but he didn't deserve what was done to him and quite frankly if I had glad for a wife and jamie for a son, I would be guzzling back the rum too.
I've recently become aware that Jamie and glad went out of their way to manipulate my life. I remember one time when jamie had invited me to a party solely because I had a bit of pot on me at the time. It was the first time that he had ever invited me anywhere. Needless to say he pushed me into surrendering my supply for the party guests all so he would look good to them. After all the stash was gone, Jamie bullied me to go home telling me my presence was no long warranted. The second I walked through the front door I had been beaten so severely and told that I was nothing but a drug pushing scumbag. Go figure.

I know when I look at the school photos it does remind me that I lived with the very real prospect of being murdered at the hands of either my brother or mother. Back in 1977 I remember glad had begun to fill dad's drinks with valium in the hope that it would kill him. I remember being threatened if I ever told anyone that she or jamie would go to jail. I feared the repercussions so kept my mouth shut. This led me to question glad's behaviour towards me. Her favourite line on me was "fiona I could murder you." I had always dismissed this as simply her stuff. It was not until I started at counselling and  the psychologist had pointed out to me that this was not simply and idle threat that her behaviour also supported this. That is why she stood back and allowed jamie to beat and bash the living daylights out me. For me being in the pubs at the tender age of`15yrs was far safer than being at home. Ironically Drinking had served a purpose because had I not begun drinking I would have committed suicide. I had already had an attempt at 14yrs in which glad found me lying in the midde of the lounge room floor doped up on alcohol and serapax. She simply stepped over me and ignored me. She didn't ring an ambulance she did sweet fuck all.

Glad and jamie also resented me having any friends to the point they would go behind my back and sabtage the friendships I had with people. Karen was one of them. I grew up with her and she was my best friend.
I borrowed a top from her once and had not had the opportunity to return it to her. I had worn the top out again and of course jenny had deiberately informed her of this knowing that it was none of her business for starters, she had overstepped a line, and that she knew it would cause trouble. Needless to say the friendship with karen was in disrepair for years. Needless to say when I returned to the central coast in 1999, my mother had informed me that karen had died from a drug overdose. She got a perverse joy of informing me of this. I went through an awful lot of grief over the loss of my friend for years. I happened to be down at by village one day and I ran into karen's mum in at millers. We chatted for a bit and she told me that karen was doing really well, she was in a relationship, has a child the same age as my son and so forth. Needless to say I was somewhat shocked at this news given what I had been told. It is al very easy to assume that possiblly glad had simply passed on some miss information, but given the joy that she got in seeing me upset at the news I somehow thing that this information was given to me deliberately to hurt me. It is not the first time glad and my so called siblings have attempted such sabotage.

that's me for now

Deep as the ocean

I had one of those mornings where my thought processes were contemplating the meaning of life and what is life. I thought to myself that if this is reality, then am I alive or am I dead. Who is to say that death is not actually death but birth and that birth is not actually birth but death. For all I know is that when I do eventually die in earthly terms i may actually be going through birth. Particularly when we go through the emotional aspect of this existence.
I have managed to catch up with an old friend from my school days on face book. I was reluctant to do this because many from my school days remember me as a drunk and I didn't need reminding what a loser I was back in the day and some of the bad attitudes and horrid behaviour I had undertaken. I know from time t time I run into a woman I knew from high school at the local shopping center. Even though I had little to do with her at school and nothing to do with her after leaving school she still gives me those really cold stares that makes me feel less than. She has never been a particularly warm individual.
At least I found one person that I can catch up with..

My Business is not faring well and I need to find out how I can locate buying customers for my on line venture and increas customers for the shop itself. I really don't want to lose this business.
I am really tired at present so I will leave it there.

Another day at a time

A very ordinary day at the shop. I need a bigger shop but cannot afford the bond at this time. We are struggling like hell financially speaking, but we have for the past 25yrs. My aim to set this shop up was to earn enough to make a wage and be self sufficient. We opened the doors 6 months ago. They say the first few years of a business is the hardest, no shit. Again, I have to be god dependant and rely on his judgements on whether I am to continue or not. They physical store has really taken a lot out of my healthwise. That is why I am hoping the on line business will take off.

Both hubby and son are not well so I hand them over to my higher power. I was reading a blog on what people thought was their understanding of god. Some referred to their scriptures of specific faiths. Myself I am not into religion, but a universal force that promotes my health, growth and well being. I was attending a support group for alcoholics for many years but have chosen not to go anymore. I found that there were some seriously dodgy people in them. Furthermore, I felt that I was getting nothing out of them and needed to continue to grow. I had in a sense out grown many of them. There were a lot of negative thoughts which I could do without. Also there were many many guilt trips if you didn't do this or that. I know it sounds selfish of me but my survival is of paramount here. I am really tired at the moment so I think I will leave it there for now.

cheers

A journey of trial and tribulation

This blog has been created to log my journey since I got sober over 22yrs ago. There have been many trials and tribulations that have in the past caused me to over-react, anger quickly and retaliate with disasterous results. I have since learnt that this is my issue and nobody else's and the only person I hurt when I react these ways is me. At 20yrs sobriety I had felt this angst and discontentment with my life. I felt that I had been disappointed with what life had dished out to me and I carried this around for years. I had booked myself into counselling with a good therapist, and I soon realised that given my background, it was a bloody miracle that I had managed to survive the way I did. I was put on anti-depressants for anxiety, depression and panic. I have always been reluctant to do this because my mother was a pill addict and I didn't want to end up like her. Furthermore, there seemed to be this stigma of the middle aged housewife who took mother's little helpers to cope with life. Once I started them I could not believe the transformation that happened within me and those 20yrs suffering in sobriety was unnecessary.
Another issue that I also have been struggling with is what to do with my life. I had done many things and never finished them. I did go back and get my education, and I also faced my fear and got my driver's license when I was 36yrs old. Here I was at 45yrs unable to get employment and having no idea what to do. So I stepped out and set myself up in a shop dealing in new + used clothing. I don't know whether this is the path god wanted me to take, but I simply have to trust the process even in the bad times.

I never understood these people who stand there and say that they will have a child at this time in their lives, or their careers are to be at a certain point by the time they are 30. Life can dish out some pretty crappy stuff including infertility ( a horror experience after having my first child), health problems ( still continuing since the horror event at childbirth), economic downturn ( been there several times), alcoholism (what can I say), and the harsh judgements that society offers when going through these times. Pride does some pretty strange things to people, and it is very hard to feel that you are a worthy part of the community when all this crap has happened to you. I guess my aim with the shop was to help those who are struggling financially to afford good clothing. I heard today a quote:- TO LIVE IS TO GIVE. Yes I want to be financially independant there is nothing wrong with that. I just have to remeber the quote I heard today.

thats me for now.