It has been absolutely wonderful to catch up with old school friends on facebook. 2 friends that I met up with, I last saw when they were 12yrs old. I am 46yrs now. They have children and grandchildren now and yet I still remember them as kids. I posted some old school photos that I have and they were thrilled to travel down memory lane with me. We spoke about the area in which we grew up in, the people we knew and what become of them I had located a discussion which asked people to detail what they did with their lives since leaving high school. One girl got on there and had mentioned how she had become a mother and housewife. Another got on there and announced how she had been in several commercials. These girls had attended this same high school as I did 20yrs after I did. Needless to say I went on to say that I had become a drunk, a wife, a mother, a poet, a writer, an artist, a business woman and a humanitarian since leaving school.
When I reflected on the school photos, there was a sense of sadness too as I recalled what was happening at home that I never ever told anyone. Daily I was being beaten from an inch of my life at the hands of my mother and brother. My sister Jenny was always a cold and stoic individual who had no ability to feel. Over the years as I have recovered from drinking and my upbringing, I have become acutely aware that my mother I suspect had a pill problem. She was always in good supply with serapax, valium, mogadons and numerous other sleeping tablets. I guess that is the benefit of having 2 doctors in Narwee.
I also became acutely aware that my brother, sister and mother were narcisisstic sociopath / psychopaths. I have discussed this many times in counselling. Their behaviour can only escalate and lead to serious consequences. In glad's (mother) case it wont matter because she died in 2008. What sort of siblings do not inform their sister that their mother is dead. While they both fleeced glad's estate as they did with dad's estate, I was left with nothing. They feel justified in some sick sense but they are not. Jenny never married or had children, because according to her she hates kids. Need I say anything else. This is a brutal line of thinking and it is distorting her life. I believe that it is not children that she hates but her childhood. Nothing was ever done fairly as glad favouritise Jamie. Dad may have been an alcoholic but he didn't deserve what was done to him and quite frankly if I had glad for a wife and jamie for a son, I would be guzzling back the rum too.
I've recently become aware that Jamie and glad went out of their way to manipulate my life. I remember one time when jamie had invited me to a party solely because I had a bit of pot on me at the time. It was the first time that he had ever invited me anywhere. Needless to say he pushed me into surrendering my supply for the party guests all so he would look good to them. After all the stash was gone, Jamie bullied me to go home telling me my presence was no long warranted. The second I walked through the front door I had been beaten so severely and told that I was nothing but a drug pushing scumbag. Go figure.
I know when I look at the school photos it does remind me that I lived with the very real prospect of being murdered at the hands of either my brother or mother. Back in 1977 I remember glad had begun to fill dad's drinks with valium in the hope that it would kill him. I remember being threatened if I ever told anyone that she or jamie would go to jail. I feared the repercussions so kept my mouth shut. This led me to question glad's behaviour towards me. Her favourite line on me was "fiona I could murder you." I had always dismissed this as simply her stuff. It was not until I started at counselling and the psychologist had pointed out to me that this was not simply and idle threat that her behaviour also supported this. That is why she stood back and allowed jamie to beat and bash the living daylights out me. For me being in the pubs at the tender age of`15yrs was far safer than being at home. Ironically Drinking had served a purpose because had I not begun drinking I would have committed suicide. I had already had an attempt at 14yrs in which glad found me lying in the midde of the lounge room floor doped up on alcohol and serapax. She simply stepped over me and ignored me. She didn't ring an ambulance she did sweet fuck all.
Glad and jamie also resented me having any friends to the point they would go behind my back and sabtage the friendships I had with people. Karen was one of them. I grew up with her and she was my best friend.
I borrowed a top from her once and had not had the opportunity to return it to her. I had worn the top out again and of course jenny had deiberately informed her of this knowing that it was none of her business for starters, she had overstepped a line, and that she knew it would cause trouble. Needless to say the friendship with karen was in disrepair for years. Needless to say when I returned to the central coast in 1999, my mother had informed me that karen had died from a drug overdose. She got a perverse joy of informing me of this. I went through an awful lot of grief over the loss of my friend for years. I happened to be down at by village one day and I ran into karen's mum in at millers. We chatted for a bit and she told me that karen was doing really well, she was in a relationship, has a child the same age as my son and so forth. Needless to say I was somewhat shocked at this news given what I had been told. It is al very easy to assume that possiblly glad had simply passed on some miss information, but given the joy that she got in seeing me upset at the news I somehow thing that this information was given to me deliberately to hurt me. It is not the first time glad and my so called siblings have attempted such sabotage.
that's me for now
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