This blog has been created to log my journey since I got sober over 22yrs ago. There have been many trials and tribulations that have in the past caused me to over-react, anger quickly and retaliate with disasterous results. I have since learnt that this is my issue and nobody else's and the only person I hurt when I react these ways is me. At 20yrs sobriety I had felt this angst and discontentment with my life. I felt that I had been disappointed with what life had dished out to me and I carried this around for years. I had booked myself into counselling with a good therapist, and I soon realised that given my background, it was a bloody miracle that I had managed to survive the way I did. I was put on anti-depressants for anxiety, depression and panic. I have always been reluctant to do this because my mother was a pill addict and I didn't want to end up like her. Furthermore, there seemed to be this stigma of the middle aged housewife who took mother's little helpers to cope with life. Once I started them I could not believe the transformation that happened within me and those 20yrs suffering in sobriety was unnecessary.
Another issue that I also have been struggling with is what to do with my life. I had done many things and never finished them. I did go back and get my education, and I also faced my fear and got my driver's license when I was 36yrs old. Here I was at 45yrs unable to get employment and having no idea what to do. So I stepped out and set myself up in a shop dealing in new + used clothing. I don't know whether this is the path god wanted me to take, but I simply have to trust the process even in the bad times.
I never understood these people who stand there and say that they will have a child at this time in their lives, or their careers are to be at a certain point by the time they are 30. Life can dish out some pretty crappy stuff including infertility ( a horror experience after having my first child), health problems ( still continuing since the horror event at childbirth), economic downturn ( been there several times), alcoholism (what can I say), and the harsh judgements that society offers when going through these times. Pride does some pretty strange things to people, and it is very hard to feel that you are a worthy part of the community when all this crap has happened to you. I guess my aim with the shop was to help those who are struggling financially to afford good clothing. I heard today a quote:- TO LIVE IS TO GIVE. Yes I want to be financially independant there is nothing wrong with that. I just have to remeber the quote I heard today.
thats me for now.
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